Last week’s blog on boundaries seemed to hit home for a lot of you, so we are continuing to explore this topic with a specific area in mind: Choice and the use of “no”.
One of the first words a child learns after “Mama” and “Dadda” is “No”. As a parent, it can often be surprising to hear that word come from your sweet, adorable compliant child ! It starts a whole new chapter of parenting and dealing with power struggles.
And yet, the ability to choose between and among things that we like and dislike is fundamental to our personal growth and development into adulthood, and setting our boundaries.
Unfortunately, the word “no” sometimes gets a bad rap: if we say “no” too often, we can be perceived as selfish, self-centered, obstinate. On the other hand, not being able to say “no” can create people-pleasing behavior that wears down your sense of self, your energy, your ability to make healthy choices for yourself.
So where’s the balance? Knowing where your boundaries begin and end is a good starting point. But some of us have fuzzy edges. Sometimes it’s easier to be clear about some boundaries than others. Maybe we’re very clear about defining our physical personal space but have a hard time with someone who wants to tell us how they think we should spend our time (eg. think about your personal or work relationships – are you frequently asked to put your needs on hold while you take care of their needs?).
And what about the bossy friend who insists on changing established plans just to be in charge? What would it feel like to finally say “that doesn’t work for me” with conviction?. If we’re trying to be our authentic self, then asserting yourself, your limits and expectations is necessary and requires choosing to say “no” without fear, spite, anger or attitude (sometimes more difficult than others!). Only you know what feels right for you at this time of your life.
The more you can learn to feel comfortable with making your boundaries known, the more you will be in control of outcomes, and move in sync with who you want to be.
Ask yourself-
Am I overwhelmed by activities, obligations, commitments because I have a hard time saying “no”? If so, what could I do to change that?
Who do I know that has clear and healthy boundaries? How do they demonstrate those boundaries?
What’s one thing I could do this week to focus on asserting my boundaries with kindness and authority?
Applaud yourself for clarifying who you are, what you want and how you spend your time. Send us some of your “No” stories!
Suzanne & Patty